Scott (Grief)

Scott (Grief)

welcome to the winning ugly podcast, a place where we are real, raw, entertaining, energizing, and encouraging come experience real conversations that go deep and relationships that extend through the media to overcome testing times. We can't continue to keep our trials and tragic stories to ourselves. The people you will hear from are facing their ugly, stepping out of their comfort zone and sharing their victory storms, our guarantee in life. And when they come, we want to be right here building you up and empowering you to win ugly

come to the winning ugly podcast. I'm your host Trish, and I have my husband, cohost and sidekick

Emory. This I'm here. I'm excited. It's going to be a a killer show. So our guests is awesome today. So I'm looking forward to it. Yes, and as you know, I was motivated to start this podcast because I enjoy hearing people tell me their story. After hearing their story, I always found myself to be uplifted and encouraged. That is exactly what I want for you as you listen to our next guest and how he is overcoming trials all while living in another country, many, many miles away from home, roughly 7,500 to be exact.

That is a long way away. And uh, that's why I'm super excited about our guests. Um, I think it's going to be a very interesting talk about just life in general in that, just that whole aspect of moving to another country and all the things involved in that. So I'm excited to hear from our guests.

Yeah. So Scott, welcome to the winning ugly podcast. Thanks for having me. So you're from Shanghai, China, correct? Yes, exactly. And it is about 7,500 miles away.

Uh, I'm not sure about that, but it's pretty far, right? Yeah, exactly. Like if I got in my car and drove there, it's too far drive there. Must be honest. You would not be. Yeah. So it Scott, your real name? Uh, my real name is judging. Okay. Like shoes and, and the Jane, you drink Jen? Yeah. Jen. Yeah. Oh yes. But the gin is spelled g. J. U. N. Very cool. Yeah. That's an awesome name. Cool. It's a lot more exciting than my name. It makes me feel like I need to make up a new name. Like maybe I should change my name. Right. When you meet people, what do you tell people? It's awesome name. I have to be a no, but you're like, hey, my name's Emory. Like the University of Maine. At least that's what I always, Samurai is very famous in south southeast.

It is. And I have the best colleges. And you know when I first went out that way to Atlanta, I thought maybe I own the whole town because I sat Amory waiting on everything. But, but that's not true. Or you're the family members of the owner of the exactly. Like the city. Yeah. Where did Scott come from? The name Scott. Yeah, cause my first name starts with and that, so I w I started looking for name that started with s as well. And then I think Scott might be the best of the worst. Oh yeah. I don't want, I don't want it to be a staffing. I don't want to be a Stephen. I don't want to be a fan of Sam. So Scott might be this. I feel like people should consult me on this. Maybe that can be my new gig. Like changing names. Yeah, exactly. If I say you went with Shaquille. Oh God, that's a good idea. Yes. It's strong. Shaquille. He's trendy or shark. Hi. I'm sure. Yeah, I'm going to go no on that one. But let's get

you really do fit your name because you are a pretty cool guy. So you fit Scott. Um, well I would love, we would love to know what China is like. So we would love for you to paint a picture of what day to day

like life is really like food, living arrangements, gatherings, transportation, whether any specific attractions you do in Shanghai. So give us a little bit about China.

Sure. I think the first thing I would, I would, I would share was a people about my hometown is the food. The food there is amazing. I hear it's amazing. Yeah, I hear that. People. I've heard of famous people literally just flying to China and spending a month. They're just indulge in the food. Exactly. I can't tell what we should do. We all three of us should plan a trip than yeah. I can take you to [inaudible] here's the best, right? Seven different restaurants a week so we can try different kinds of cuisine all around the world and all around. All around the China's. That's exciting. What is the moment? What is your one

main thing that you really miss, that you really love from?

Uh, it's kind of very unique dumpling in Shanghai. You only find in Jai. Wow. Yes. That sounds great. The ones that are steamed, right? Yes. Steam. And there's a little bit of that soup in there. Yes, of course. Good. That's the only reason I knew that. Wow. And they put some crab meat in it. Oh, so good as some crab yolk and it was so good. Yeah. We should make some, do you know how to cook? I Dunno how to cook. You don't, I don't know how to cook that particular dish. Like, I just shed a tear because I was hoping maybe we could do that after

because I heard through the grapevine that you are a great cook.

Yeah. But I'm not that great to make, to make the soup dumplings. Okay. Because it's a certain technique. Yes. It's a, it's a lot of, it's a lot of stuff. Skill. Yeah. There's a lot of skill. Dumpling school,

I'll pay for it. That's a good business. Yes. I'll fund it. If I can just eat the dumplings, all the dumplings I want, I'm going to be the server. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So tell us a little bit about living arrangements. What is typical house or um, yeah, we basically live in the apartment because the, that I think none of them can't afford a house.

What is the population in Shanghai? 2040 5 million. 25 million. Yeah, it's pretty big. So you have to build up in order to fit the population.

So we live in a 24 floors, apartment buildings. Wow. Wow. There are 10 different apartments, 10 units in each floor. So there are a hundred, 240 units or families in one building. It's a coastal city, correct? Yeah, it's a coastal. So you're on the coast? Yes. Yes. Uh, Pacific Ocean. Yes. Yes.

Um, what about gatherings when you get together with friends or family, what does that entail?

I think people are very close and we hang out a lot. We, we all love food. So we go, we, we go out eat and also a karaoke is very popular.

Do you want to belt out a Calorie Karaoke? Oh, next time. Okay. Cause I have a sore throat right now, so that's a good excuse me. What about holidays? Is there a specific dish that you guys do or specific things you do at the gathering for specific holidays? Uh,

yes. Actually there are some very particular dishes you have to, you have to have like particularly in the Chinese Chinese new year, like fish, pork or uh, some like rice cakes. But now it's things we're able to eat

that kind of food every day. So it's not that important. That used to be like back to my parents generation or my grandparents generation. These holidays are very important to them because they cannot afford food in their daily lives. So they were expecting every day to have some meat or have some special dishes in that particular day. It was a very special time. It's a very special time, you know?

Yeah. So you actually bring out the best for those holidays that you can't really necessarily have throughout the year. But no, we don't have that kind of feeling. Yeah. What about transportation? How do you get from to work or to your friend's house?

Oh, absolutely. Shines has the best public transportation system in the world, so we don't have to drive, you don't have to drive, you can take the bus, you can take the subways anywhere. Do they have like a real, yeah, they have a radio and they have a, an underground, so yeah. And I also have buses and they also have the idea of shared bike. Shared bike. So you scan your phone and, yeah. So you pay like a dollar per hour and then it's very quick.

What are the bikes like hooked up to this specific location where it unlocks it like a terminal. Okay. I got you. Okay. At each blog. So yeah, it's very convenient. It's very cool. That's cool. That's awesome. And what around how much does it cost for public transportation via underground or rail?

It's very cheap. Like compared to US dollars, like 50 cents. What is your, okay and what, um, your currency, what is it called? A u. N RMB. RMB.

R. N. E. R. M. B. R. M. B is the RMB. Yeah. I can go so many ways with this right now. Who Doesn't love genuine? Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What about the weather?

It's very humid. Okay. That's why easily get used to the weather here. Some I missed the humid. The humidity is very high cause it's cold cause it's cause is by the coast. So you've got the four seasons. Yeah, we've got a four seasons and rains old days here and there. Yeah. Barely snows and a lot of rain. Cool. Except there's no allergy there. Okay.

I don't w like pollen. Yeah, no, Paul. Paul. And so you have no pollen, you have dumplings and you have great transportation and we have a karaoke. Yeah, I'm ready. And we have RMB and genuine. Yeah, we can get genuine to make the dumplings. That will be my best day ever. Wow. What about some attractions that you, if I was going there tomorrow, what will be some things you would say? I cannot miss that. You have to go to the bond bond.

[inaudible] it's, it's, it was beauty by the British. Spell it for us. B U. N. D it's by the river, the Humber River. We call it the river of Shanghai's. So what do you do there? So it's like sightseeing. It's like you walk by the, uh, New York City, Manhattan, they look at Hudson River. There are a lot of high rises and a lot of old architectures. So yeah, that was great. It's a very, like a river walk. Maybe it's a river walk. What else? And also we already know the food. Yeah.

Well, uh, it's, it's basically your city. So city touring is very, it's very, of course it's kind of one of the most things you need to do.

Do you have any actual hiking trails or hiking?

No. No. It's just a city lodge. It's a city that's probably pretty good because me and Trisha are not big hikers. Yeah, sure.

That is such a lie. We absolutely love to hike. We're terrible at hiking. We are. We may be terrible, but we actually do.

We've tried to do the baby, like the baby hiking ones. I got lost in Hungary

and sweaty. Okay. He's talking about one specific concentrated event where we went hiking. We took the wrong trail, like the Kiddie Pool, like you know when you have like the kitty pool was the key pool of trails and you've still got a long over trail and we only brought two bottles of water, two small packs of nuts and we got lost for seven hours. It was a hundred degrees and starving and thirsty.baby trail. One time. We were not good at hiking.

That's what that means that it's, you're bad at Nike. That's a bad ext doesn't mean you don't like hiking. It just doesn't mean you've ever good at it. You're not talented. Right. There's some work to be done. You're not gifted

geographically and [inaudible] probably challenge that are in the city. Yes, we are better than the city. Okay. So you moved to the southeast United States to earn your engineering degrees. So you moved here in 2012

2012 September. September. Okay. Engineer's, so you're a smart guy. Uh, I'm not sure yet. I think you are. Yeah,

Bell Engineer. So that's awesome. Oh Gosh. Um, so what did that journey look like for you to prepare? Coming here?

Uh, I think the most challenging stuff is, you know, leaving your friends, leaving your families. So I think other than that, I think I easily adjust to the life here. It's a family's very important.

What prompted you though to come to the United States?

Uh, actually I already start started my college in Shanghai and then I think, oh, I don't like the live there. So I don't like that college. I want to do something different. So I talk was my dad. I said I want to go to go to United States. And he definitely support, uh, support in me. And, uh, that's why I decided to. Did you attend the Shanghai University? Uh, no. Yeah, it's one of the university in shock. It's more engineering institutions, institutional, uh, university. So

is the degree equivalent to an engineering degree here? Um,
it's similar but it cannot, I unfortunately I didn't transfer any transfer, any credits. Okay. Yes. Yes.
So what are you up to right now? Did you, I mean you've grabbed yeah,
yeah. Graduate looking for jobs right now. It's kind of another, another challenging time right now. Sure.

Yeah. Are you wanting ideally to stay in the United States?

Yeah, if there's a opportunity, I um, I'm able to stay. I love to, but if I cannot, I will, you know, it's fine to go back home.

Okay. Well, um, thank you for sharing that. We're gonna now move into some, um, just some icebreaker questions or something, you know, like, hmm. Airy. What advice do you love to get

a workout, I think is very important. I tried to work out like five times a week working out as awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

When you say workout, what does that look like for you in a typical workout? I, I really enjoyed, I will say I'm addicted to it.

What? Like what form do you love to go to the gym and lift weights? Do you love to just go and do cardio? Do you do,

Oh, do bowling, a workout. Cardio and weights. Love to work out. Stick. I'm like, I can tell for sure.

He would say to thank you. Thanks Scott for saying that. Wait a come he, if he, I think if he can have a weight in his hand at all times, he would be extremely happy. I would do it. Oh yeah. Um,

hidden talent. Yeah. What is your hidden talent? I know you've got one. Ah, I think I can quickly learn language. Yeah. Okay. How many languages do you speak? I speak three languages. Chinese, Mandarin and English.

Shanghainese, Mandarin and English. English. What's the difference between the first two?

A Chinese is basically the language, uh, which is only spoken by the people in Shanghai, particularly area mandarins kind of like official language. Gotcha. So it's different. It's, and the Chinese is, it's, it's only a spoken language.

So the people in Beijing would not understand. Sure, sure. They can ask what's their other, they speak mandarin than they speak Mandarin. Oh yes. This I think either. So this is enlightening. Wow. Okay. That's very cool. Well, what book is your favorite book of all time? What would or what favorite, what's your book, the book you're reading, right.

I'm reading the book called Mid Miracle Morning Miracle. It's a book about, uh, encourage, encourage yourself to get up early and trying to take advantage of your morning. That's great, man.

I'll raise my hand to that. Amen. Because you know what, today, Saturday and I love to get up early, but on Saturdays I say, Oh, I'm just going to try to sleep it. Note five 16 this morning. I was like, yes, let's go. I'm ready to go. I can't wait to just start my day. Yeah. Like come four 30 in the afternoon. I take a complete nosedive and absolutely do not want to do anything. I don't want to have a meeting. I don't want to do anything productive because I just, I'm not an afternoon, evening person. So I agree that people should start their day earlier.

Yeah. Cause I'm not a morning person so it's very hard for me to get up in the morning. So I'm trying to become that guy. Yeah. Become the guy who knows. Get some early champions. Yeah. Champions. I agree with you. Yeah. On that book he lists a lot of champions, a lot of famous guys. Oh yes. Celebrities.

I love to because it, it gives me a time to sit and sit in my thoughts. Yeah. It does give me time to actually pray and I also workout. So I immediately do all that before six 30 yes. And it just makes me feel I can conquer

the entire day. Yeah, I agree with you. Well good. Entering the day from a point of strength always set you up for success. Yeah. Cause that's why it's really important to do that. Yeah. Cause I usually get up at the last minute and then kind of rushed myself to, to brush my teeth and I don't even have time to have breakfast. Oh yeah. Whoa. Breakfast is super important. I barely eat. That's on a different note. I would say. Oh you rarely, no. Yeah, no. Yeah. Oh and I have time. Facebook or Instagram? Instagram. Instagram. Absolutely. Yes. All the pictures. Right. I love pictures. I follow all these kinds of auto account, food account. Those exciting. Yeah. Exciting. Yeah. I can see that. But I still like like Facebook more. I don't know. Maybe. Um, cause it's, cause I'm older. I think Facebook, it's up to the friends you have on Facebook. If you have some friends, always share some crazy things that drive you nuts. That's a good point. That is why it's called the hide button.

Coffee or tea? Coffee of course. Coffee. What's your favorite, like what, what's your favorite coffee beverage? Um, black coffee or if I go to Starbucks cafe. Uh, Caramel Macchiato. Pretty solid. Yeah. But your go to is black coffee. Black coffee. Okay. Do you have any specific brand that you absolutely love? Cause we're coughing. We're big coffee drinkers now. I'm addicted to a coffee. I got it from Costco. It's roasted in Charleston's. Really good. It's your dog person that's told me about that. Really? Yes. It's really good. Yes. It's really good. From the first person that told me, I was like, oh, this can't be that good. But they gave away samples on what I was in college when I was in Costco. I, I took some sample. I love it. Wow. So that's really cool. Yeah, that's really good. Okay. Cake and ice cream or cookies and milk. Cake and ice cream. What kind of cake? Cheesecake. Oh, cheesecake is wonderful. Yeah, of course. Good choice. Plain cheesecake or whole plain cheese. It doesn't really matter. Or Oreo cheesecake. I'm accepting cheesecake on all fronts. What kind of ice cream? Chocolate chip. Mint ice cream.

Yeah. That's my favorite. If I'm eating ice cream. Of course you all know all you listeners out there then on the halls.

So another thing is I, but you rarely find it in the United States. It's ramen. Razan. I like ramen raisins. The reason I've, I think I have tried that, but I don't remember where I was

Haagen Daz has that. Okay. We need to go out for ice cream then eat ice cream with vegetables in it. Oh, okay. Fruit,

which is why I was going to say most of you listeners out there know already that I'm not a big dessert lover, sweet lover, but I do love mint chocolate chip and and with the Pecan sandy probably

we did not have with a lot of whipped cream and chocolate syrup, chocolate syrup and the small cherry on top of that. We need to go for ice cream. Go on. Sandy's a vegetable. Oh, thanks to the Arugula Vegan. It's a Vegan. Absolutely.

We don't know. Um Oh, you're making me hungry. Well, what about baseball or football? Football. Football is great. Like soccer, football or,

oh, actually soccer, which is real football. It's my favorite things. I mean United States, I would say American football, but China's got a American football league, right? Yes. I heard that in Shanghai. We have a unprofessional league there and the football is getting one more popular. Baseball is big there. Baseball is not big. It's not, I don't even know how to watch baseball. I don't know. As boring. As boring. Really Boring.

Okay. It is quite boring, but I do love to watch baseball only live. I do not like to watch baseball on TV and football. I like to watch either or. So you're hilarious. You said you do not,

speaking of hockey, that's a great sport, right? Yeah, hockey is fun. Yeah. Who knows? Hockey does games there. Like the NHL. Yeah. I think the NHL please like special games in China. Did you know? Not like constantly, but you know like uh, invitational games, something like that. Or it's a preseason game. Wikipedia. Wikipedia. Okay. That's your best friend to give you all that paper. It is your helper. It is a helper.

You're, yeah. You're a personal assistant. So Scott, I'm ready to move into your story of grief. And before we started recording, you told me of two separate instances of where you were overtaken by grief and one was when your grandfather had a stroke in 2014 and you made yourself believe it was your fault because you moved to the United States and the other was, um, the sudden sudden passing of your cousin, which was in 2017, right after your graduation. Yes ma'am. And um, this all happened in a three year span. And of course, you know, grief is natural when you lose someone or some thing in grief also manifest in many forms. It can be emotionally, physically, behaviorally, socially, spiritually. So we want to, I want you to walk us through those days and um, in this case, how it lasted for almost three years and you may still be dealing with that. Um, but we just wanna hear how you are overcoming and how you are winning. Sure.

Yeah, sure. Absolutely. It was a, it

was a very bad, it's very bad, you know, experience. You know, I, I'm, I'm very close to my grandfather and my cousin. We live only two minutes. Walk away from each other. My cousin and I, we live in the same building. Oh Wow. So we grew up together, so we like brothers instead of cousins. So the family is very important. Yeah. Family is very important, particularly in my, in, in my whole family, you know, my grandparents ask all of their kids to, to move together so we can take care of each other and we're able to see each other and we're able to hang out with each other. So I, I was growing up in that kind of situation and uh, I was very close to my grandfather. My Dad was very busy when I was in, uh, elementary school or in high school, so my grandfather sometimes had to, uh, go to school, talk to me when I did something wrong. So yeah.

So he would like kind of step in as not so much the father figure, but more of the be present in the moment, like in the situation that you needed someone to be present leading role

of the family and yeah, of course, of course. He is a is a such a model for me and I still remember after high school, you know, cause I rode, I rode bicycle to high school. So when I was late he, he was, he usually wait and at at the gate of Oh community and to I, I got home safely. So he worries me so much.

And also, yeah, we kind of very in a very close relationship and also the same as the relationship I have with my cousin. We went to the same school. So sometimes we walk to school together and we normally see each other like twice, twice a week. Okay. No, you know, we were kind of very, very, very, very, very close.

Okay. Y'All have similar ages? Yeah, he's three year old. Okay. He was three years older than you. Okay. Years older than me. Okay. So yeah, I guess you had the opportunity to move to the United States and did you see that as a fresh start and to move here? Sure. When you move to the United States, I'm sure you saw that as maybe a fresh start to move here or did your relationship with your grandfather and your cousin ever change?

No, it, it, it never changed.

Okay. Yeah. So you were in constant contact with them. As you said, you moved in 2012 yes. It didn't happen. Your grandfather did not have his stroke until 2014 walk us through that scenario. What, what was happening then? So you life was great from 12 2012 to 2014 and then

Dan suddenly, and I still remember the exact day two which was October the fourth and I got a call, I cannot remember exactly what happened. How, how did I get the message? I think I heard from my cousin, another cousin, she had told me that my grandfather had a stroke and I was so worried and I was so concerned about his healthy issues. And then I called my dad and you know, I, I completely understand. My Dad didn't want to tell me more details. He was trying to protect you was trying to protect me, you know, and then so I thought, well, probably if everything was fine, he probably just had a minor stroke. Right. Everything will be okay. But a few weeks later after he had a stroke, I had a, I had an opportunity to, uh, to have a Skype call with my grandfather once I saw how, how Pale he was, how, how vulnerable he was.

I was like, just start crying. I was saying, oh my goodness, I cannot imagine, you know, he had a stroke and cause he, he was, he was such a healthy person. He was taking care of my grandmother, my grandmother. She doesn't have a very good, healthy, uh, you know, body, you know, and, uh, my grandfather was doing everything, you know, and he's such a healthy person and I never expect he gonna have a stroke. And he represented such a strong figure in your life and a strong character and the figures in my life, you know? And then once I saw him, I was like, oh my God.

So you just kind of broke when you got at that Skype call, did you, I mean, were you really wanting to go back to, oh, at that moment I really want to go back. At least I don't want to lose him, you know, cause you know, you never know what's going to happened. Right. And then you kind of saw your dad was withholding information just to protect you, but you were maybe probably thinking maybe it is worse than he is saying so I need to go there. Yeah. So your grandfather had a stroke in 2014? Yes. And now we're going to jump to 2017. You got the call about your cousin who suddenly passed away at the age of 32? Yes. Tell us about that day.

Yes, it's right after my graduation. So it happened on December 28th. I still remember that exact date. So my dad came to my, to attend my graduation. So I think he spent almost a month here and he went home. And, uh, during the period of when my dad was here, we had a, I had a Skype call was my cousin. That was the last time I, I saw him face to face. And I, I, I never, I never expect that Kiki, he, he just suddenly passed away. And, uh, I think it was, uh, 28th, the, I saw my cousin in law, she pulls something

and on her social media she said, Oh, I'm so grieved. Uh, why did you leave me so fast? And I never, I didn't even think about it. It was my cousin. I thought, oh, just had a Skype. Yeah, maybe it was her mom or her part for her, her, her family.

Right. And then I actually text, my cousin said something wrong with, with my cousin law, everything. Okay. And also I text another cousin, she told me, Oh, I already taxed my cousin who passed away. He said, but I never heard back from, from him. I think, oh, probably everything's fine. And then I texted my dad and say something, something happened and something wrong. And I never got a call. I never got a no text, text message back. Still trying to protect you, I guess. Yeah. And but, and at that moment I didn't, I didn't even think, think of that and, but I think, I think probably things we're, we're so close, you know, we kind of have that, I kind of have that feeling. Yes, there must be something wrong. Yes. You just call my dad. You know, my dad just started crying and said, Oh man, your cousin passed away.

And I was like, shocked. Yeah. I think I was dreaming or you know, it was not real. Yeah. And then he told me the, he told me, he told me some details about what exactly what happened and I still cannot believe that, but at that moment I was calm, calm. Yeah. I didn't cry, but you had peace. I just cannot believe what just happened. I just kind of blackout, you know? Yeah, of course. Yeah. And then my brain was empty and I could not sleep at that night. And you know, I just kind of, I was playing like all these pictures in my mind, right. And I start crying out. It was like, Oh, Mike, you know, it was so grieved, you know, I cannot imagine what just happened. Yeah.

Yeah. So how else, so you're saying you, you were losing sleep, but how else was it coming out in your life? So you dealt with both of these. It

is a completely different feelings and was so grieved that he passed away in such a young age. And he had a, he had a one year old daughter and he was the only child in the family and he just got married for three years. So I know I'm, I'm very, I'm very sad. I'm, I'm, I, I was, uh, heartbroken about his death. Um, I'm trying to tell myself it's already happened. Yes, you can't, you're not able to change that fact. He has really, he always had a gone, he left us by grieve more on, on her path, on my cousin, on his parents. Right. My aunt, my aunt in law, and his only daughter who, who was only one year old when he passed away. And also his spouse, you know, she had void will continue to affect them. Yeah, exactly. You know, I cannot imagine how my knees going to grow up, grow up without a, without a, without a father. Because father normally plays a very important role in, of course in child life, you know?

Right. So grief and you grieving was coming out of you and as we already spoke, it comes out in many different forms and it's when you lose someone or something and yes, you lost your cousin and your grandfather lost his independence. Yeah. How did it come out in your life when all these things were happening to you? What your, maybe your feelings or your thoughts, maybe you were depressed, you already said your sleep patterns. Kind of walk us through those dark days.

Yeah, sure. Since our so close with both of them. So at some point I blamed myself. I was the reason that cause my grandfather's stroke or in, you know, he's lost of independence. Yes. And also my cousin's death, I think I, even the, I even was, you know, thinking what if I didn't come to the United States? What if I stay in China? I stay in Shanghai, nothing got nothing good happened right now. Everything gotta be the same. I'm still going to see my cousin every day. I'm gonna see my grandfather every day. So yeah, sometimes I have that kind of feeling. Yeah.

Okay. So I really want to get deeper into how you were grieving and just your heart was just so broken. And did you go back to China at any point to see your grandfather and I'm sure [inaudible] your cousin, they're still alive. Yes.

Back then. Yeah. My cousin was still alive and it happened in October, 2014 I went home, I went back to Shanghai in 2015. Okay. Did de Somber, it's almost more than year, but, but uh, my dad, I think after, after my grandfather had a stroke, he quit his job and started taking good care of him. So he is healthy, his years getting stable and he's healthy. He is kind of, he's able to walk a little bit by having a walking assistance, a walking, uh, assistance. A Walker. Yeah. Walker. And then, but I'm still anxious, very concerned about tos. Healthy issues. And too, because you know, people always get anxious and too, yes, they're able to see that things, you know, in face to face. So I got it. I got opportunity to get back home and just see him face to face and back down was kind of nervous. Right. Yeah. I don't know how to face that situation, you know? Yeah. It's difficult. Yeah.

I really can. I really do understand you're going through, because I grew up, um, from the age of newborn till I was 13. Every single weekend I spent at my grandparents' house. Yeah. And my grandfather and I were best friends. We did everything together. We would build a bird house. We would make homemade chicken and noodles. We would make awesome pancake. He made awesome pancakes and we were best friends and he would call out. We would speak to each other on the phone all the time. I ended up moving to another state. Yeah. And in that time he had a stroke. I wasn't grieving or blaming. I was grieving. Yes. I didn't blame myself, but I did in my mind think, well, what was I even thinking? I moved to this state for no reason. I mean, there was a small reason, um, but why did I do it?

It was such a stupid mistake because I missed all this time with him when I could've been spending with him. And I drove six hours straight into the night, got to it's a hospital bed. He stayed up and he was like, oh, my baby doll made it. And that's what he would call me. And I was just so just a thought, like you hear stroke and you're like, they're not going to remember anything. But like he actually remembered me and I can even still remember my dad saying he didn't even recognize me. Yeah. So I totally understand how you really blamed yourself. Um, but your grandfather, you faced it, you got there, you saw him and what,

you know, at least I feel much more, I feel much better. So He's, I know he's of course, back then he recognized me. I think he also, he even, I think he remembers everybody, but he lost a part of his memory and he was able to walk and he was able to eat by himself, is kind of loose. He kind of lost part of his independence. Okay. Yeah. But he's, he's not, he was not paralyzed back then, but I, unfortunately in 2016 he had another stroke and that caused him completely paralyzed.

So you're grieving and you feeling helpless, but at any point, did you accept what happened with your grandfather and your, um, cousin?

Sure. I'm just, I'm so grateful when, when these things happen, a lot of friends around me, particularly like the friends at the church, they pray for me. They prayed for peace and they gave me a lot of constantly being, you know, it was a such a big, big help. And also I know, you know, God had had, had his reason to make that things happen, you know? And also I just realized that how vulnerable our life is, how short our live, they really never know when you're live gonna end. So. Exactly. You know, it was very precious. Yeah. Yes. Very. It's very short. Yeah. I still remember the f like the first time when I saw

my grandfather face to face when he was, when he was, when he's paralyzing on the bed. I was, I was just start crying and he didn't know me.

He didn't know who I am. He cannot talk. I just said, oh Grandpa, if you know me, just blink your eyes. And he see he blinked, he blink his eyes and the, I just told him that, oh I cannot continue talking. Was this difficult? No let's just, let's just hand up the phone cause I won. I didn't want to let him do, see I'm crying. Right. Cause I don't, I want him to do, you know, and also sometimes I was thinking, you know, probably I need go back home. You know, even there's a good job opportunities here cause I don't want, I want be with him, you know, I don't want, you know, I don't want to get a call from my dad and told me your grandfather passed away. Right. I didn't want I, it's going to be as such a big, you know, I cannot, I think I definitely will blame myself if I, if I were not there when, when he passed away.

What is the beauty that you found in these tragedies?

Yeah, sure. I know, I think I learn a lot and I grow up a lot from what just happened. I know, you know, people had tragic, tragic happen to people's life every day. But the beauty is, you know, you, you are more, you're more stronger in a more United was your family was that things happened because you I'm trying to play he both, both of their roles in my family, right. Is like, uh, I want to spend, if I, if I go by it, I want to spend more time with my aunt. Yes. And trying to, trying to, trying to just kind of play a role of my cousin cause I know he's, she's do grief,

you're trying to fill the void in some way. Feel filled,

filled a spot. And also the same to my grandmother. You know, she's do grieve, but I'm trying to be, no, feel that spot to, you know, spend more time with her, encourage her and you know, that's all I can do. And also you kind of learn, you know, it's all God's plan for putting me, putting me in that kind of pits and also helped me to grow up more faithful to him, you know, trying to rely on him when one, uh, when the same thing happen.

But your faith stronger phase or stronger trying to find your strength from him. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. That's really good because God can use our life and he can use our death to glorify. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And um, I think, you know, that's a testimony.

I will say kind of Reid. I, I have a, another definition of family of life.

If your grandfather could speak and if your cousin was still here, I'm sure they would say something that they are most proud of, free of you. And what would you think that would be

five in, in the, in the United States? I, I, I'm very independent. I got a, I graduate from the college, I think that there might be the most proud things.

Another thing too, which I'm actually proud of about you, is that you help other our fellow international students and it's, it's, it's quite beautiful what you do with them. You go to the airport, you bring the meat out, you hang out with them and you connect them. And that's something, you know, so I, I think they would really be proud of you for helping other international students.

It's kind of, I inherited from my, my family. It's a kind of family legacy and what they have taught me,

they nurture others, help others and serve others. What do you think it was necessary for you to have to witness this in your family? Um, and to grieve and to feel such loss for you to be who you are today?

Yeah, sure. I think I know how to overcome those tragics and also, you know, what we are doing right now is trying to share my stories. So it's the best way to encourage others who are, who are suffering right now, who are grieving right now.

Yeah. I think it is so that that's why we created winning ugly. So we can have a platform for people to share their story, to help people in similar situations. This happens all over the world. Every culture can actually understand your story cause it happens to everyone but you are do. How else are you going out and encouraging others with your story, um, in your community?

Uh, I will say when you are suffering from the similar things like family issues, you know, the best way is to go to go out and find your friends. You know, just tell them I'm, I'm so, I'm so grieved, I need some help. All some Christian counseling is a very good way to, to, to help you to, to, to, to,

to overcome, to wing to Wayne that battle. Exactly. Yeah. Important. I always say counseling is great cause I cause I don't believe yourself can, can do that. Yeah. Some assistance. That's why they do have professionals out there. Yes. If you're trying to solve that problem by yourself, you might become, you, you might get into a swirl, you know your name become isolated. You never get out of that. You're right. Yeah. Very good. Vicious cycle. Your thoughts are so powerful and you get into this vicious cycle where it just sits a whirlwind. Yeah. You're trying to win this battle in your mind, but sometimes you just have to reach out and go to talk to someone. [inaudible] how are you trying to stay present in the moment? I know your cousin has passed, your grandfather is still living paralyzed. He's gonna eventually, sometimes pass. How were you trying to stay present in, um, in what you've dealt with and trying to make the most of this time?

Yeah, sure, of course. I'll continue, encourage encouraging my grandmother and also my cousins family in a love them more than ever. And also pray for them, you know, pray for my cousins family, pray for pray for that. They will have peace and the, of course, you know, also pray for God's revelation to, to them. Once they find a god, you know, they probably can find more peace or they will be more peaceful, you know, in their heart.

We thank you so much, Scott, for sharing with us today. And how you're grieving, and I do know how it feels and we all go through grief in so many forms as people out there who are grieving the loss of their, their husband or their child, or their even their dog. For you to go out and just help others that are grieving as well and share your story. Even if you're crying. It's okay. People need to be uplifted. We need our daily dose of encouragement. So go out and be confident in share your story with someone today.

Yeah. Thank you for sharing. So thank you. Yeah. Thanks for having me again. I greatly appreciate it. Next time we're going to have you on, we're expecting you to do some karaoke. Sure. We'll put that in the segment, Carrie. Okay. And thank you audience out there for listening. Yeah. Thanks guys. I hope this was an encouragement to you. Appreciate. Thank you. When the ugly moments come, remember that light shines brightest in the dark. Love radiates brightest among gate life stands most boldly against death.

Betsy (Weary)

Betsy (Weary)

Rondell (Depression)

Rondell (Depression)