Mari Beth (People-Pleasing)
welcome to the winning ugly podcast, a place where we are real, raw, entertaining, energizing, and encouraging come experience real conversations that go deep and relationships that extend through the media to overcome testing times. We can't continue to keep our trials and tragic stories to ourselves. The people you will hear from are facing, they're ugly, stepping out of their comfort zone and sharing their victory. Storms are guarantee in life and when they come, we want to be right here building you up and empowering you to win ugly
welcome to the winning ugly podcast. I'm your host Trish
and Emory of course is here as the cohost and it's going to be a great show guys.
We are so happy. Y'All are tuning in. I have been dreaming of the opportunity to have our next guest on. She is a powerhouse speaker and encourage or like no other. She loves horses, loves to spend time with her dogs and sweet husband met. She's an avid outdoors woman and loves to travel.
It's going to be a, an epic show. And I'm really excited because she's really, she really has a lot of things to say that I think, um, is very pertinent and sorta touches us all. And, uh, I think you guys should really listen to what she's got to say cause I think it's really going to be helpful. And, um, it's just a blessing to have you on the show.
Thank you. Interesting. Emory. So Mary Beth, welcome to the show. We are thrilled to have you on. I'm so honored to be here. We met at a church, I think in 2011 and I secretly wanted to be your BFF because you're such an amazing woman and you're full of wisdom. You're super goofy and a Fashionista. Oh yes. Who loves hats, lady, which I call you would be wearing a hat today. Well, you know, I thought about it and I thought, I thought I need to fix my hair today. Okay, well it looks beautiful, but not just any hat you wear. Are they called military hats? Because, yeah, no, I know it's, I do have some people call it my conductor hat. Okay. Conductor. That's a short bill. It is. Yes. [inaudible] rock those. I mean, they are amazing. People think it's fashion, but it's really just laziness. Wow. You rocket. Thank you. So, but to say all that, thanks for being such an awesome friend through all of these years.
You're welcome. Oh sure. Thank you. Oh, are you welcome. Give us a 32nd intro who you are for those that do not know you. Okay. I am, well, first of all, you mentioned my husband and my dogs. Who are the three most important people in my life and a I by day am a life coach. And as a life coach I work with people who feel stuck when they just feel like they're wanting to move into something new, but not sure what or wanting to make a change in their life. That's where I come into play and life coaching changed my life and I love to be a part of helping people move forward in theirs. And then I'm also part of a nonprofit ministry called seeking Eden, where we create resources designed to go into rural areas, biblical resources to help people in rural areas grow spiritually.
Okay. And what is the name of the coaching? Yes. So you can find me on firstname.lastname@example.org. Okay, well that's, that's my website. And then you can find me on Facebook as MVP coaching. We'll,
we'll link everything in the show notes so you guys can reach out to her if you want to. Well, that's cool. So what do you like to do? I mean, I know we kind of said you'd like to go hiking, maybe outdoors-y go play with some horses. Tell us a little bit more about that. I feel like I have so many different interests. I, I do horseback riding is probably my favorite to being on a horse and makes everything feel right in my life. And that actually horses have been in my life since I was six years old. Wow. And it was a hobby that kind of came in and in and out of my life and is, is now they're everywhere. And then of course definitely hiking with my dogs. And if you said there's one thing I love to do with anything is travel with Matt and we've gone many, many places and I was a missions pastor for eight years and so been around the world with that and loved every minute of it. No. Well then that's really cool. What, um, what would your perfect Saturday look like? Who perfect Saturday would be to wake up, go horseback riding in the morning, come home, eat a good lunch with Matt and then honestly, what are you laughing?
No, I can tell him. Al, that's a great guy. I love man, funny horseback riding story that just come on. Goodness, please. Oh please. Is this involve me? We done, we've been on a horse. Okay. Several. When we were in Columbia we went horseback riding of the water. Yes. Water through the water and was awesome. You almost got like bucked off. I think like you were like riding on, holding on for dear life. Really? Yes, absolutely. You're making it wasn't VJ phedre this, this NCO. Yeah. Maybe the heat get to you. Well we were, before we move into your story, we're going to ask you a few fun questions. So the first one, oh, I can't wait to get to this one. What was the funniest job you've ever had?
Well, about a year ago I wanted some extra money and so I decided what would be something I could do on the side that would easy and low maintenance. And so I signed up to be a shipped shopper. Shipped. S. H. I. P. T. Yes. Shopper shipped shopper. A grocery delivery service. Yes. And thanks to all the ship shoppers out there. I admire you because it is harder than it looks. So when I signed up, you have to do a little interview for the company explaining why you would be a good ship shopper. I felt like I, you know, got that, nailed it at that point. And I'm like, I love people. I'm realizing looking back, but from my interview they should have been worried. But, um, so I get the shirt in the mail, the credit card in the mail. And so one day I had finished a meeting and decided to go from my first ship shopping experience.
I mean, how hard could it be, right? And so I got online, I chose an order and I go to the store. Well, when I got there, the first thing that will make sense in hindsight is that I had 17% battery on my phone, which I thought, I'm going in to get 16 items again, this won't take 10 minutes. I almost chose two or three orders to do that day instead of just the one. But I thought it's my first time. I'll give myself a little bit of extra breathing room. So go in to the store and I walk around to the bakery section. I just remember that a woman said to me, Oh, are you a shipped shopper? And I was thinking, clearly I have a my shirt. And she goes, Huh, good luck. And I was like, okay. So then I go to the first item on the list, which was seafood.
I walked back to the seafood section and I told the person, here's what I want. And they go, Oh yeah, we're out of that today. And I thought, okay, no idea what to do. Then I thought, I'll just go to the second item on the list. And I'm not even joking that like the fourth or fifth item on the list, I had nothing at this point. Okay. So no idea what to do. And I had the number of the person in my phone and it, every time I would get to an item it would say, do you want to text the person? And I thought it was a little impersonal to do such, you know, these silly techs. So I text the person myself, hi, this is Mary Beth. I just wanna introduce myself. I'm your ship shopper. They're out of these four items. What would you want?
Okay, so against everything that ships teaching, I not notice. Oh, okay. Yes. So I'm just thinking, I'm trying to be more personal with them. So I f every item. She's like, you know, I can tell she's getting more and more impatient with my inability. And my constant texting. So at this point I start panicking and I called my husband and for reinforcement and I'm like, Matt, you've got to come help me. I'm at the grocery store. They have none of these items. I don't think the lady on the other end likes me. Please come and help me at this point. Contract with the job at this point. Totally. And let me tell you this, and my phone is going, getting lower and lower and lower. So Matt comes in and I am, I mean, I'm sweating about this experience. So I am sending him for the items about this time. I come upon another ship shopper and let me tell you, she is prepared. She pulls out her battery for her phone and she's telling me, and not only am talking to her as
I'm going down the aisle, I'm telling every person what I'm doing. Like I'm a ship shopper. Oh my gosh, I cannot do this. This is so hard. Oh No. I'm like, please pray for me. I mean, yeah, this is such a true story. I'm not even exaggerating at all. So I continue, I continue. I continue. And then Matt finally helps me get most of the items. I get it. I walk up to the counter and the lady's like, do you want us on the clipboard? And I'm like, what is the clipboard? She goes, just sign it just in case I sign it. I'm rushing to the house cause I'm already almost late. I get there that opened the door. I walk in and start telling them about my whole experience, not in bed. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. What a just treacherous experience. It was. Then I might deal me, put my, grow you only to put your groceries up for you. And they're like, no.
So I turn around and walk out and when I walk outside I hear a dog barking and I love dogs. So I turned around the dogs running after me and I'm like, come here. He runs out the door into the front yard and at this point I'm waiting for a gunshot to go off because I have just lost their dog. I mean the woman I literally think was like, get out of my house and never come back again. So I get in my car and guess what? I did not get that day and a tip and I have never shipped shop again. If you are a listener out there that this happened to you, please reach out to us cause this, this lady, we must find this lady in the Ross Bridge area. Please let us know. I tried my best. She wants to see you so she can say she's sorry.
We have a similar Shipt story. If you were an employee in you also, it was a train wreck for you. Also Instagram and some comments. We will love to hear that. Please tip the train wrecks. They might be like, man, did not watch the training videos because I found out the next day from my very detailed coworker that there are training videos that if I'd watched, I would have known about the clipboard. Oh yeah. I mean to me it was just, I didn't think it should be that hard. You're saying when personality and lively, optimistic and carefree just was flowing. No glow. That's the good. That's all like to think glowing. Think I was glowing that day was definitely glowing. Well, Mary Beth, do you have a hidden talent? I don't know if it's a talent, but I have routines. Too many rock songs. Oh man, that is a talent.
Bohemian rhapsody is one of my maybe most popular routines. There's only a few people who've ever seen the a half to get a video that that was popular and on American idol this year. Yeah. Well I mean with the movie coming out and Oh yeah, they had a moment. And let me tell you when I was ready. Sure. Quain had to try it out. Oh, I could have been on American idol with that routine. Yeah. If I could sing, I would have not only had a song and a dance. What things do other people think? Interesting or maybe that is weird about, I follow only famous people on the Instagram. Yeah. So every morning I check in with like Mandy Moore and Gwen Steffani is Hillsong United and follow the winning only part. You guys I follow. I do follow you. Pretty famous podcast. So sorry, you're famous. We have a lot of, I don't know what that is, but I hold on.
So do you ever interact with them? Do you send them messages? Do you comment with them? Of course. I dream of the day that one of them actually got, cause they comment on other people. But never mind. You should ask Mandy Moore if you can grocery shop for her. Oh my goodness. Maybe more. If you ever listen to this chapter, you won't let your dogs and cats out. It's all about consistency. So if you just keep messaging them, they'll keep seeing your name though. They'll one on another famous person you follow? Reese Witherspoon, Oprah Winfrey. You really stand for Julia. Robert Taylor. What about million males here? Oh, you know what? I don't think I follow any males. I think only females. I'm sorry. Daryl Dixon on our walking dead. Uh, Norman. Rita's cool. Okay, awesome. I follow him and he'll send me United head guys in there. So Hillsong United, I don't really know how to comment about this.
Weird. Okay. That was a great example. Thank you. The question, I mean it's honest, very honest. Please stay tuned for fuck. It'll get more normal guys. Hang on. One regards to vacation speech bus or snow bunny. Okay. I'm a mountain person, but no snow, so I like the mountains like 60 degrees. Springtime and the mass. Yeah. [inaudible] comfortable. Cool, cool. And comfortable. Coffee or tea? Tea. I know. I do not like coffee. I like, now here's the thing, I like coffee. Ice Cream. I like the flavor of coffee, but I do not like hot coffee. What does that have no idea? I don't know either. I like all the fluffy drinks from Starbucks but not coffee. Gotcha. Okay. Well in regards to books, hard copy or digital hard copy. Oh, well yes. Let him looking over your shoulder. I A be. That's one of the things reading, I love to read.
I liked the book in my hand. What are you reading right now? Oh, I just finished a book called a where the crawdads saying or live by Delia Owens. Did you read that? No, but I mean crawdads in my our backyard. Well, it was a book recommended by my friend Rachel Wetherspoons in our book club. Your welcome race. Does she know you're alive? Nobody. Yeah, no, but now, yeah. So she has a book club and I just saw the recommendations and got it. So see my friends and I, we, you know, you communicate on some level a dream of guest starring on, you know, someone shows someday, but it may happen. You never know. Sure. Mary Beth, let's move into your story of people pleasing. Um, and I just want to throw it out there. We call the MB, so we're going to call you MV from here on out. Um, but I think the story
will resonate with a lot of people because it's going to make people think like, man, am I being just kind or am I really trying to please people? So, um, I want you to start where, um, this most accurately displays the root of your wanting this to please everyone. And I know this will reach a lot of people and I believe we all struggle with this at some level, but for you, this really shaped the course of your life, um, for some time. So if you want to start with that story. Yeah. I will give you an example at the sort of inner turmoil that I wrestle with from a little girl. And of course this is a silly example, before it really became a problem problem in my life. But when I was young, I remember when we would, um, we lived in Montgomery and my grandparents lived in Birmingham and my parents would take separate cars because sometimes my dad had to come back for work earlier.
You know, my mom would get out of school, she was a teacher and he was a sales rep, so she would might go and say for three weeks and my grandparents, but my dad and I'll be able to stay a few days. So he was gonna come back earlier and they would say, who do you want to ride with? And I remember feeling inner angst that if I chose one parent over the other, they would feel like I was hurting the other's feelings. And they were like, we are going to the same place. And it seems so silly now, but when you look back at that, I, what I see is a little girl who just felt that tension of, you know, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or be unkind and that is such a small story, but that is one that pops out into my head when I think about the inner turmoil of pleasing people.
So that's really where you started to notice it. Um, or you didn't really notice it whenever you were that age, but whenever you got older, that's whenever you like, man, I really do see that there. There's something there that I need that needs to be addressed. The summer in between my ninth and 10th Grade Year of high school, I was, I had my wisdom teeth out and when I had my wisdom teeth out, I lost a little bit of weight and I wasn't overweight, but I was cheerleading at the time. And so when I went back to school in the 10th grade, people started noticing like, oh my goodness, all of a sudden I looked different and I, their affirmation and just this sense of I'm different. And it sort of this acceptance that comes along with it that over time and now I realize this is kind of a common pattern for anyone who struggles with this.
I got really, really, really sick with anorexia and, and through that disease, um, it was a year and a half of just, it was the hardest thing in the world because as a people pleaser, I wanted to, to just get better on my own and especially for my parents because it was a tumultuous time in my family, but I couldn't get better on my own. And so not being able to please them, but then also everybody around me wanting to live up to this expectation to look a certain way, to be a certain way, but also realizing what was going on in my family. It was just, it was like all the implosion of everything and that was throw the zenith I guess, of my people pleasing. It just hit and everything collapsed around me. That's where people,
well, we're also, I mean, you know, you were dealing with Anorexia, but were your parents really seeing you always trying to strive and hit that mark and what, what did that look like for you? I mean, whenever they were trying to help you through that.
Yeah. They had no idea. They had no idea how to help me. It was this watching in my mind, yet it was striving to, to be this certain size or to look this certain way. At the same time trying to be the perfect daughter, be the perfect kid in school, be the perfect friend, be the perfect, you know, whatever it was. It was this perfection. And a lot of times with girls or I guess guys with eating disorders, they'll say it's the perfect girl or guy trap because it's a, they're trying to live up to some expectation that's out there. And, and of course what's happening is they're getting sicker and sicker and sicker and it's, um, but at the root of it is a, is a deep, deep, deep desire to to be perfect or to hit some mark.
Yeah. And our anorexia is more of a psychological sort of thing, right, of the mind, I guess in the emotion, the emotion of that more than as a physical thing. Right.
I think almost any addiction, the outward is an a sign of that. Yeah. So I mean it's, it's, it's, it's very,
do you ever deal with what's going on up here, I guess before you would ever even address the physical aspect of it?
Oh yeah. It's, it's, you got to start with what's inside. And that's the thing with anything is people pleasing these things in our lives that seem so small or we laugh at, or maybe we grew up with, or we roll our eyes at, they take roots and our heart and then by the time it gets to some outward expression of it, it's, yeah, you got something to deal with. And so at that point, yeah. And now as a kid, you know, riding to Birmingham, it's not like my parents could have gone, okay, we got, we got, I see what's going to happen here in five years. You know? I mean, there's no way to anticipate it. And quite frankly, going through that experience was the thing that later on led me into ministry, which was a 21 year career and the most impactful years of my life. Um, so I see how those experiences are redeemed totally.
But at the time, looking back, maybe understanding boundaries at working with clients all the time, people think that being compliant or that to be to please everyone around you means that you're kind, that you are who you're supposed to be. And instead of being able to put up good boundaries, to be able to say no, to be able to have you know, parameters around your life, um, to have an understanding of who you are. When you understand that stuff, you have power in the best way and you're able to live life more healthy. And actually when you don't please everyone around you is when you are being your most authentic self because you're not going to be liked in every arena when you are being true to who you are because someone's going to disagree with you. And I did not know that growing up.
I thought that everyone had to like you and that meant you are solid. It's very well said. You must be a life coach because you nailed that. Thank you Emery. I am side plug [inaudible] her Facebook page and be pig judging by gum. Okay. So I mean you dealt with that whenever you were a teenager, but did you see that throughout your adult years and once you became married then 100% I mean, I'm sure rise up. So yeah, I'm in career for sure. And even striving to be, to, to be the best at whatever it was. And, and, and sometimes that led to feelings of competitiveness with other people. Um, and, and professional settings. I'd dealt with that and I, it's hard to even admit that, but it's true because you want to be the best at something or to be noticed. And I've expressed to you a performance trap, you know, like wanting to get the a, I mean, I always joke that we really never get out of middle school.
You know, we're always looking for that grade and instead of being okay with who you are and doing the best that you can do and bringing your best to the table when you're looking for other people to validate you and to give to you what really what I believe that I get from, from God. Um, and uh, but when you're looking for other people around you to, to validate you, it's going to be a hot mess where you always also noticing you were always apologizing. I mean, you know, it's a funny, there are times where I'll even, yeah, I mean if I'm by myself, unless I drop something, I'll, I'll say I'm sorry. Oh my God, am I even apologizing to, you know what I mean? Like there's no one here, but it is for sure. I'll find myself apologizing and you can tell when people are healthy, where they'll go, why didn't you just apologize for that?
And I'm thinking, I have no idea. It's almost an ingrained response and so sure. Apologizing for things that weren't my fault or, you know. Okay. How do you naturally combat this? I mean you've, I'm sure you've looked, you'd have gotten help, but how do you naturally, does that naturally come out in your life? I will tell you one of the most powerful things that I ever have done is read a book called boundaries by Henry Cloud, Henry s girl. And I have recommended that to so many people is one of my top three books. Again, I did not know certain things that are healthy. I grew up in an environment where I did not realize, um, that, you know, kind of more of a compliance environment. And so that is one way. Also, I'm a huge proponent for counseling. I believe that being able to talk to someone, I think counseling, I always say that healthy people go to counseling, sick people don't.
And so I think that if I had the flu, I would go to a doctor and sometimes you get the mental flu. And so being able to process those things in counseling and lay down the table and it's like you're a balled up, you know, you're a ball of yarn and that counselor knows where to pull that first thread. So I absolutely have processed many things. And then just being more authentic in settings and, and taking a second before I make a decision now and asking myself, am I doing this because this is genuine or am I doing this because I'm trying to please so and so. And even if I can just do that and I blow it a lot. Okay, this is a work in progress. And also I have a really healthy husband who is not a people pleaser at all. And watching him and learning from him has blown my mind because I'm like, how do you not, how can you do that or say that?
And he'll just be able to state his boundary or state his truth. So clearly the, I've really learned a lot from him while say you must have gotten a lot better at it because many times like we've asked you to do something and you'll say, actually friend, I really can't because of this you use, yeah. Yeah. And I can tell like you really are being genuine cause you actually like give the reason, which you really don't have to explain to me, but you do. So I think you are really coming along well. Thank you. Also if you're a people pleaser out there, another thing that accounts are taught me was a way to validate that, um, enter something in you without giving into it is to validate the ask. Thank you so much. Or, or I that sounds fun. I would love to, let me get back to you in 24 hours.
That way you are validating whatever someone's asking you, but you're not having to, you don't give that gut response that then you have to go to and back out of or wish you wouldn't have hadn't done. So. Thank you for saying that, but that's another tool that I learned as I was going. Yeah, that is a really good tip. Well, do you have that one person in particular that ever let you know you're slipping that may be, calls you out, um, because you always need those kinds of friends in your life? Definitely. I have Amy frills, one of my best friends in the world. That's the shout out to Amy hope she's okay with that. But yeah, and then uh, my ministry partner also and then my husband, they, they are three people who really will call me out in the, in the best way.
Or they'll say, do you really want to, are you really, why do you get yourself into these situations? This is what my friends in my front, Emile say, why do you guys get yourself into these situations? I'm like, I don't know. Yes, I do. People pleasing. And so yeah, those, those three people and it's really good to guard your, you have to guard your time and your heart too. So you can't say yes to everything. Yes. And interestingly too, when I said yes to everything, I would end up hurting people's feelings, which was the very thing I didn't want to do because a lot of times I'd have to back out. I'll give you a quick story just to show you how these moments are still unhealthy. One Friday night I said yes to two dinner invitations, like at five was one and at seven 30 was the other. And my husband was like, you have a problem.
Well, but in my mind it was like I was trying to yes. Like, okay now we have to be done at six 45 we're wrapping up, you know. And he was like, no way. And that's not really your personality either cause you like to be in the moment and just relax and chill. So I can't imagine being, you know, in a rush like oh I have to get somewhere. Yeah. It was again saying yes to everything actually ended up causing so much more attention than be able to just be honest and validate the ask but not always do everything or say no sometimes. Well what is the good that came out of this people pleasing mentality. Definitely an empathy for people and, and if I'm in a situation also letting them know that a Noah's acceptable that hey, I, if you're like me, sometimes I'll have a hard time saying no.
So please if you need to say no and I don't know that they always need that mean. Some people are thinking, yeah, I'm going to say no, no problem. But, and then also specifically with even the eating disorder, when I was a youth pastor, years later there was a girl in my youth group who got very sick and she was able to go to the same place that I went. I went to a place in Arizona to seek treatment and my junior year of high school and she was able to go and get that same help. And I watched her flourish and blossom. And I thought if I had never been through that, to be honest with you, the single hardest thing that I ever went through in my life was the single greatest catalyst for the rest of my life because it was, it was truly redeemed and so many diff, different settings.
And even as a coach, watching people wrestle with these same things and being able to empathize with them and be in the moment with them with really no judgment is a very wonderful thing too because I get it. And also that keeps me from, you know, ever allowing anyone or putting myself on any kind of
pedestal. My, we're in it together. Yes. You just got back from Arizona right to, did you go back there to visit the, your um, the treatment center or just to visit or no, that was not your point of the trip at all. In fact, we had seen Sedona on our brochure and it was so pretty that we decided to go to visit Arizona. And when we were driving out of Phoenix, we all of a sudden saw the sign for the place called Wickenburg. It's a little city I'm in between Phoenix and Sedona.
And that was where I had gone 25 years before. And so we, we, I asked my husband, would you mind if we went and visited? And we were able to go, not not into it because you know, HIPAA issues, but we were able to see it. And ironically, the, the name of the highway now coming out of where that treatment center is, is called carefree highway. And when we were driving out, I just sort of had this emotional moment like you know what? When you identify these things in your life, they're tripping you up. Whether it's people pleasing, performance trap, whatever it is, and you learn to live in a more authentic space. You really do learn to live in a carefree way and an authentic way, and so I felt like that was so fitting to go back there 25 years later with my husband in a healthy place and be able to say is truly the way I feel like I'm living my life more now than in a trap.
That was a great story. Very cool. Like I opened earlier, sanguine care free so that, yeah, that is totally, I know it was full circle, full circle. It really, really, really was so neat. Yeah. Well, what advice can you give to someone who was caught in this people pleasing performance trap and who need constant approval from people? Yeah, I would say the first thing is to be honest about it, to be being aware of anything is one of the most powerful things you can ever do because we just have to admit it sometimes. You know, hi, my name is Marybeth. I deal with people pleasing. So being able to say that, and then also again, I've mentioned professionally, I would say counseling, you know, or, or well I'd say probably counseling first to deal with that. And then, um, quite frankly also the next time you want to say yes to just stop before you do it and really think, am I saying, why am I saying yes to this and start to feel those moments, um, whether it's professionally, whether it's personally really start starting to draw better boundaries around the things you say yes to.
And realizing that no is one of the healthiest answers that you can give some times. I agree. I recently started doing that as well. So it is very freeing whenever you can do that. Yeah. You read the book boundaries than you actually have it. Yes. So it is a great book. It's about putting healthy fences. I mean, you wouldn't go, you people have fences around their house for a reason. Right, exactly. It's very important to have that around your heart and what you, your life. So. Yeah. Well, very cool. Well thank you so much for being with us and sharing your story of uh, people pleasing and um, it's just been an honor to have you on. Well, thank you. It has been an honor to, to be here, so I appreciate what you guys are doing and the impact that you're making. Yes, it's been a blast and I appreciate all your insights.
I'm sure there's somebody out there that's just eating this up and it's going to help him. Thanks. I hope so. So thank you again, audience out there and remember to subscribe to the podcast and when a new episode comes out, it will automatically download to your phone and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and share your story with someone today because you never know who needs to hear when the ugly moments come. Remember that light shines brightest and the dark love radiates brightest in one hate. Life stands most boldly against death.