GUL. Mentally Present ft. Destini Love
Alrighty. So on this episode of good weather glow up ladies podcast, I'm your girl bebe. Hi is clunky. Hey it's Joey and we are going to be talking about mental health
today, but before we get into that, um, what did everybody do this past weekend? Did everybody have a good day? Um, my weekend was pretty chill. Unfortunately, or fortunately watch that. You're going to help have to help me with her. Pronounciation Ava Duvernay, Du Vernay, um, presentation I guess on Netflix about the central park. Boys have to check it out. I haven't even checked it out share, but I do have to check it out. Be Prepared for, I guess is the perfect topic to talk about this particular movie because your mental state has to be right to look at this because it's heartbreaking. I mean, that's what I hear. That's not going to ruin it for you back then. I get from everybody. Yeah. I definitely have to take a chance and look at it myself and um, and, and figure out, you know, how I like it and how it affects me. Yes. You know, I really had issues with the coming from a lawyer perspective. I was like, yeah,
objection is all I yelling.
CVLM so it was interesting. We'll talk more about it once you guys show once we see it would definitely be a good topic to talk about. I went on vacation, I'm starting on Thursday. Yeah.
yeah. So we went on vacation. It was a couples trip. We had a great time. So yeah. Yeah, the house was beautiful. Um, it was like these three story house in a Destin. It was, it was very nice. Newly renovated. It was beautiful. Oh, did you guys go swimming or what'd y'all do? Oh, we went swimming cause the place had us swimming pools and then it was like literally we had a golf cart so you could just drive down the road and then it's to the beach. Um, so yeah, I was here for it. Um, so it was fun. What'd you do this weekend? So I celebrate it. Noah's graduation.
She graduated from Pre k,
so we had a unicorn cake for her and um, had some shirts made and things of that nature. So we just have fun. And I love cake. I did not
It's real quick. So I think I'm figuring out that I'm not this mom that, I don't know how to say it, but I'm just like one of those moms that I just want her to just fly. Okay. That's good. Because I'm not that type of person. I'm not confined to Birmingham. Well now that I've maybe, but before having a child, having Noah, you know, I would pick up and move in a heartbeat, heartbeat. And so I think that just overflows into how I parent with her. And I don't want her to know any limits necessarily in a positive way. So it's just like one
down how many more to go by and as you do amazing things. So I did not cross, surprisingly. I did get a little bit emotional at her graduation, but no tears fail. Okay. Um, but I'm just more so I guess, excited for her. Well, first of all, it's a great thing. So congratulations. No, no, no. Congratulations. So we have a special guests here today. It's not just the three of us that you listened to all the time. Um, so we have a
special guest here. Her name is destiny love. Hey destiny. Hey this [inaudible] thank you for coming onto the podcast and this episode. It's going to be fine. You know, if you need a little drink, he drank. Let us know. Okay.
So I'm, we're going to let you know, destiny introduce herself. So does he tell us a little bit about you.
A little bit about me. So I am a y I am a mother of two. Beautiful little, yeah,
baby. How only little baby. So I have a two year old and I have a one year old and I also have a bonus, a 11 year old.
Oh yeah, we're family five. Oh, that's so cool. No more bay or five. So that is so cute for the family. Yes.
Um, and I have been in Birmingham since I was a 10th grade. Okay. Or before that I lived in Huntsville. Okay. Okay. Um, I went to Jacksonville State University for undergraduate school and I got my degree in biology and psychology. Then I went on to Alabama a and m university.
Oh, I know. I feel like you got, oh, let's go with this and I just see you guys. [inaudible] okay. Spunky. And she sits by herself today. She said Y'all, she left us on the company account, so that's right because she didn't fit out with the boarders. Zag is all three bulldogs on the couch and they put me over here in the cold. Cool. Glossy is yes. And I guess you gonna replace any names there, so yeah, I hope you got a good stage name and I don't hold tightly to it. Let me just say that graduate school is a whole different situation, but that is an HBCU. Yeah. Awesome. I know. We're
very thankful for it. Um, so I received my master of social work at Alabama a and M and then I walked into this beautiful world of um, behavioral health. So I need it today. Yes it is. Yes it is. I started off working with children. I worked with children in foster care. Um, my goodness. So, first and foremost, I came out of school saying, I am never going to work with kids. I only want to work with their parents so I can help the parents help them. Yeah. Um, but I worked with children for like five years straight and absolutely loved it. It was actually children with sexually reactive behaviors and abusive behaviors, um, juvenile sex offenders, quote unquote. So that was, um, it was phenomenal. It was, you know, a lot of people don't want to work with some of the more challenging populations.
I absolutely love it. Did you find yourself taking some of those cases home with you? I know that when you're working with children, I think it's just so hard not to. Yes. Um, and then of course it was early in my career too, so creating boundaries and um, really implementing self care practices where that wasn't, um, it wasn't the norm. So I would work in Leslie and then I, then I went into working with children in foster care and working with children who were trying to be reunited with their families. So I worked with the families trying to get their children back and um, it just touched, it touched, it touches very close to home. So it's hard not to definitely it's hard not to. So yes. And now I am, I'm working now at Aids Alabama as a clinical director. Yes. I thought, oh, we'll do girl Bibi always does the homework.
Absolutely love it. And I'm also in private practice with loving associates and then, and then my husband is a photographer, so I manage his photography business. So what does that tell us what the photography business is? So love photography. My husband has been doing photography here in
Birmingham probably for about 11 years. I'll say. I'll be also works with children and out at um, at a local residential facility. He works with the same population I worked with. Um, it's called juveniles, was sexually raped, each behaved [inaudible] we actually met at work and had like a whole secret relationships. [inaudible] plot thickens. [inaudible]
when we got married, people were like, how does it play out? Also, how did y'all manage to keep it on the low life fit? Like, so when y'all saw each other, y'all would just be like, hey, yeah, we'll dry. Just wanted to keep it professional and you know, that's the way to do it. That is, yes. So he does photography. Um, he really, really loves children. He has a passion for, um, children, photography and maternity sessions and we shoot some weddings and, but he absolutely loves shooting children and I love to see him do what he loves to do. So I just support him. And [inaudible] was interested in like photography. So on Instagram it is d love images. And then on Facebook we are love photography. We see. When did you guys, you guys, if you don't mind me asking as we steer off this, where did you come up with? Like how did you guys come up with a name? So
my husband's last name is love and that's it. [inaudible] he was already loved photography when I met him. And of course he's already, he had his vision. He's taken off with it. Here I am the hip. So we just came in and just made it kind of made that thing. Yeah.
So, um, everything is love. It just, it just, it comes from his last name. And I was blessed with that
destiny. [inaudible] so cheesy. But it, it's, it is what it is. Perfect. Yes. Like, so how would you define your [inaudible]
day to day while you're at work? Like what all does that entail? So I'm supervising right now about, I want to say six programs. Oh Wow. Um, so that's a substance abuse program. That's an outpatient mental health center that is an inpatient, um, program. Those are clients living with HIV who are diagnosed with mental health, mental illness, also a housing program, the dietary component of, uh, of the housing programs. So that is my day to day. I supervise those supervisors. So it's really, really exciting because I absolutely love building people. I love to just, um, pour into them.
They have, they have to do auras all say they have the task of doing all the day to day with their staff.
I get to just hone in on their mental health and what are you doing for your self care? You need to take some time off. That is wouldn't. So that's our conversations and I love it. I've been working for aids of Alabama. Yeah. Two years. Yes. Two years. Wow. So it is really, really fun. Wow. Yeah. So lots of vulnerable, um, vulnerable people walk through that door. And I, like I said, I love serving people that a lot of people with just kind of [inaudible] yeah, those marginalized populations. Love it. So when the people diagnosed with those mental health issues before they got diagnosed with the illness or like did the illness call bring on that mental health issue? It varies. We see a lot of clients, um, with co-occurring this orders and that is just more than one. Right. So there are so many stories to individuals who have acquired HIV.
Um, they're in, then it's a lot of substance use. So that's a lot of the clients that we serve as well. So, yeah. That's so interesting cause my brother, he works alongside, well, he used to work for the AIDS Foundation in Chicago and so now he works for, um, don't, I don't, don't quote me on this, sorry Max. But I don't know exactly what AIDS foundation he works for La. Um, but yeah, he just tells me about like,
you know, all his interactions with people who have aids and HIV. Um, and it's just a very interesting, and so I was like, I can, I can imagine just being in there as far as like understanding the mental of those patients. So yes, it's the self fund funded or do the people have to have insurance to participate with the, so with individuals who are HIV positive, it is a lot of government support.
So we're able to use the government resources for those services. Yes. So destiny, now that you've given us some background information about the amazing, um, aids, aids, Alabama, whom I'm very familiar with as a social worker, I want you to tell us a little bit about loving associates and how that was birth. Oh my goodness. So love and associates. So this is, this will be my second go around in private practice. Um, I always knew that I wanted to go into private practice because when you are doing your own thing, you get to do it the way that you want to do it. So when you're working, yes, when you're working with UN agencies especially, um, whether it's for profit or nonprofit, there are stipulations to it for sure. Right? So as you're doing therapy with people, what I kept seeing is that I wanted to talk about their faith.
Then I wanted to talk about, um, their religion or their spirituality. And there were some limitations in that. And there's still limitations with that. Uh, a lot of people who are doing therapy are not comfortable going there because they don't know how. So what we began to do is see me in to colleagues. We would always talk about it outside of the office or outside of a supervision session and like, oh my gosh, we have to talk about Jesus, or we have to talk about their belief system. So this was birth from that. It was birthed on purpose. It was birth from a desire to really see people walking in wholeness and really, um, overcoming some of these things that they are bound by just kinda going in some cycles. So let's kind of get to the root of it. Yes. How do you find most of your clients that come to?
So I've been involved, I've been volunteering with my church also for probably the past five years maybe. So it's been a lot of word of mouth. So people will come to me and say, oh, I want to see you as well, and Oh, how do I do that? Because I wasn't set up to see people privately. So there was a need and I said, okay, I'll it [inaudible] yes, that was the password of ours. So that's, that's awesome. Yes, I love it. I love it. And now I have the freedom to just really go there with a person and challenge their thoughts and really just, like I said, get down to the root of what's going on. And there's a lot of symptoms, but we don't always talk about the soul and the spirit. Right. Spiritually with the, I guess the most issues that are most common.
Of course, I never can't go into details because it's a privileged information, but do you see people battling like family issues or work issues? Just stuff that you couldn't imagine it if family stuff goes so di and because don't get it out, it like goes through forever. Yes. And there are so many traumas that people just do not want to talk about. And especially, and I'm going to talk about the black family and or just in the, in the deep south quote unquote, there's this thing about you don't talk about stuff you keep were those on in his house. And yes, there's a lot of secrets and families are really, really uncomfortable talking about truth. A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about truth. Let me just say that. So that's where I believe a lot of this stuff is being, it's just being able to manifest because of all the secrets and um, and the family culture, the family dysfunction and the lies that are passed down generationally.
So I just begin to challenge people. Why do you think that? Where did that come from and is it true? And oftentimes people are not telling themselves the truth. They're not well, may perceive something in a certain way, but it may not necessarily be like that. But that's how they took it. Yeah. Decipher that. That would be a struggle for me. It's like you're telling me one thing, but I have to kind of read through these lines to figure it out. Thank you. Yes. What you're trying to say. And people are just really, really
uncomfortable with, um, transparency and vulnerability. And I see it just so much, even in the context of friendships, this especially, I mean definitely, you know, it's like, Whoa, what happened to people just taking the mask off saying this is what it is. But I know there's a lot of, um, society puts a lot of pressure on what you need to do, what you need to be in, what you need to look like, what you can do, what you can't do, what you can and cannot say. Absolutely. Don't apply to me. So I pretty much say
[inaudible] say these free, free before you say what you want to say. Who you are.
A lot of family stuff. I bet if we just sat right here y'all. And just like uncovered the family stuff. See my family, they don't like to see me coming.
[inaudible] where's the [inaudible] no [inaudible] group. Like when
you go over a certain age you're like really not receptive to it. Like absolutely cause they're like, I don't even want to deal with it. I guess cause you live with
so long you're like I don't even want to even open that wound back up.
No. And a lot of people are afraid of therapy for that very reason. And going back to what destiny mentioned, you know, just the, the, the cultural differences in how um, the expectation is to, you know, just get over it. Oh yes. Act as if, and even if it's acknowledged that it happened, it should not affect you in the way it has, the way in which you're expressing. Yeah, they kind of came through, I had to go this deep, but you know, slavery cause they had to get over stuff. My stuff. Yeah, it's very, everything is always deep rooted, right? It's always deep rooted. Just like the N and we're in this, we're in this Bible belt. We're in this deep south, which, which is an, which is an oppressive culture. Let's just go here and be honest about that. AndW that's what you're taught or yourself up by the bootstraps that you should be okay. Right. Um, and we're not even gonna talk about the church. Oh my gosh. That'd be okay. You've got to come back. This needs to be good. Right? That's another topic for another day. [inaudible] be here all night talking about that. It is so, so when we're going to go ahead and take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to talk about the stigma. Mental health. Oh man, it gets, stay tuned. Y'All don't go nowhere.
Welcome back y'all. So before we took a break, we got to know Mrs Destiny, love who is the founder and CEO. Is that the correct title of love? And, um, and we are talking about mental health. So we are getting ready to talk about the stigma associated and attached to mental health in today's society. Yes.
Then I definitely would take off or leave out the conversation with a few questions that I had because, so there's this theory that, and I guess in more urban neighborhoods, the sounds like gunshots and things like that that they see on a daily basis. I mean, you see certain people walking around with certain substance abuses and even within your household you see different people living in and out there all the time. How much does that impact them on a day to day basis? Is that theory true where there's kind of suffer from PTSD trauma?
Absolutely. Um, the, the environment that you come up in, I do not believe we give it enough weight, enough weight of how much it shapes us. So if you just have to think of a person who has been conditioned to be fearful, how does that manifest? So PTSD, one of the major signs of it is flashbacks, nightmares. Um, and a lot of, um, skiddish behavior. I'll say you may, you may present as kind jumpy,
right? And so if you've been around gunshots here entire life and, and part of your, part of your norm was to protect yourself, then that is gonna. It definitely translate into day to day life. And a lot of people do not pay attention to underestimate it. Most definitely very much so. And it, but will you have been grown when you've grown up into the, in that environment, you can't even really connect with people who have it. Oh Man. It's just become, it has just become norm. You don't even know what normally is. This is normal.
Well that's so true. Yeah. So why do you think there is a stigma in the black community against mental health, especially specifically black males?
There's a lot of mistrust for good reason, right? There's a lot of, there have been the Tuskegee experiment. Yes. Syphilis, yes. The medical models. They were there. They were not designed for people of color. There have been a lot of experiments done on people of color, right? In the name of medicine or science. But it was really, there were black people being treated as um, test subjects less than you hold true. Right? So when you think about a person of color growing up in a family where you are told that what happens in this hat in this house stays in this house, right? That's number one. Then even slave culture of just having to carry the weight of things and what it means to be a man being a man is this and you need to be strong and not show your feelings and not cry. Um, those are, those are all things that keep people of color in bondage. [inaudible] we just moved from a different type of slavery. So I'm like,
we need to be free. Right? That's true. Right? We need to be free truth. Absolutely. We let it out because whole nodded in. I know there's terrible for relationship as well too. I mean it, it may someone they dumb. I don't understand why they can't communicate. Thank you. I mean, it is almost like you need to give them a, not necessarily a Pez, but maybe you guys know, see someone together to that because they might even know they're doing it. They just shut down and you're like, what is wrong with you? And we can't move forward as a society regarding mental health if we are, if we are uneducated. Oh yeah. That's so true. We cannot, I talked about in my therapy session today, I talked about the significance of love languages. People don't think about that. [inaudible]
yes. Role in how we develop and mature regarding our relationships and interactions with other people. Whether it's your neighbor, whether it's, you know, the, the postman, the mailman or your mom, dad, brother, sister, best friend. As destiny mentioned earlier, we, if we don't take into consideration just simple love languages and I surveyed my, my group today and maybe to, yeah, out of 12 had heard of loving. Yeah. So with the love languages, what are they are, I know one is the act of kindness or x acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, um, gift giving. Oh, my quality time quality. Thank you. This me. So if you show someone one of those that not necessarily their love language, does that mean they don't understand? Like they don't see what you're doing as love. Right. It may not be valued. Okay. May Not be valued.
So if my, if your, for example, if your love language is worse, okay. Gifts [inaudible] if your love language is gifts and I'm constantly pouring into you verbally, it doesn't, it doesn't move you. So wow. Because it's based on what I need. I see what I desired you think is right. So is love. And I feel like that's hard sometimes in relationships because a lot of people love to pour into somebody how they want to be. Absolutely. Um, versus you know how they want to be loved and it's very hard to figure that out. There's a whole book about the five love languages. Gary Chapman. Yes. If you, if you haven't heard her read it and when are we taught this? Yeah. [inaudible]
but not even an adult. People don't even know by mine. Right. But it's, it's, it's absolutely necessary. And it, the only way we will become more aware is if we begin having conversations, right? Community educating people. That's so true. I don't fit the experts. If I don't, if I don't convey to you clearly what it is that I need, then how can I blame you if you don't? I've never, if I've never communicated that, but, but we do. We do. We have some emotions. People are supposed to already know because we think that they're supposed to be mind readers and not till I asked my patients all the time, I'm like, are you a mind reader? I'm because we act like we act like we have the ability to read mind. Yes. Hey, if anybody out there knows how to read minds, let's [inaudible] on the show. [inaudible] your brain. Right? But, but we have those unrealistic expectations because we expect people to, to know what it is to read our minds and know what we need.
And that's fair. So how do you deal with an individual when you are trying to tell that person and convey to them what's your lung love languages, but they're kind of stuck on like, oh no, like I only know one way. Even though you're telling me this, I don't know how to do it your way. So how do you get that person to kind of conform to your way? That way you guys can be on the same page. This in my cancer, they cracked the code. Let me just say this. When we have conversations about it, we we, when we do, no matter if it's about love languages or not, just anything in general, we have the habit of just saying, hey, this is what I need. But we failed to realize that people are unaware of what that looks like. Due to what we talked about, how we grew up, what our cultural norms have been. I can say that I want you to do x, Y, andZ , but if I've never been exposed to this, how can I properly give that to? How can I offer that to validate? So it's my responsibility not only to tell you what I need, but to actually hold your hand and show you what that looks. [inaudible]
Soto. That's really good. Cause like sometimes it's, I literally, me and my husband had this conversation on a daily basis because we always understand and see how differently we grew up. We had very similar, similar backgrounds as far as like growing up in our childhoods, but it's very different than how he grew up compared to how I grew up. And like, we always have to go back to like, oh, that's how you were raised. That's why you do a, B and c. Yes. And so like when you take yourself and put it in that perspective, he's just like, oh, maybe I do understand you a little bit better. But sometimes it's Kinda hard because you're over here like, well, why do you do things like that? Wow. Um, and you're in it, you're kind of more so on a judgemental type of perspective versus of acceptance at your way is the right way.
Yeah. And it's very hard to get out of that way cause you're just like, uh, no, like you do it my way. This is how I grew up. Yeah. And it's just like you have to kind of get out of that mindset. I know it's very hard for me sometimes because I'm like, I'm always at kind of person who's just like, my weight is the hot [inaudible] I thought this thing through, I thought about it and I've been doing this my whole life. Therefore it's like really hard. Sometimes it's just kinda like, you know, conform to the other person. But destiny, do you help out with married couples? Oh, I love, love. Really Love married couples. Oh, growing need to come see you. [inaudible]
I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.
Does all the, have you like had a lot of breakthroughs when people come in and just, I mean they totally disconnect, but you are able to break that code and, yeah. Awesome.
And it all goes back to a lot of, well, one of the major things that we have to start with is what is your foundation of truth? Oftentimes couples don't have those really hard conversations to marriage is very
surprising. People just don't want to ruin that love moment. Hello. But that's unhealthy. Right? So it is because I see situations like that, oh, I don't want to press it because then they'll leave me. Right. Okay. Right, right. If I sit up here and tell you mind [inaudible] you lead me, we weren't Mitsubishi, but exactly who have not done your work, then you're operating from their broken plates. Yeah. You've got to be worried about yourself. How do I communicate what it is aspect from you? Absolutely. How often do you see people run away from their there who they really are run away from it. Like they just not even in the lighting technology, like they're just kind of listen dif.
I assay that on a daily basis. So how are you seeing them sales compared to the world? Do they see themselves? We've been wanting to believe that they have a reason to be in the position that they're in. Wow. They're there. You know, it was nothing that they did to get them to that place. I page may see themselves in the context of something that is unhealthy, if that makes sense. So they may see themselves in this family and I do this because of this. Yeah. And they're not really putting the correct mirror before them. Okay. Kind of going through the motions as far as like what they roles or what they think their roles should be. Kind of like is that seats? I see some of that, but maybe even the self awareness. Maybe I'll say it's probably a bigger and bigger like what's acceptable in this dysfunctional situation is what you believe is going to be acceptable.
Right. [inaudible] your work environment or relation to take more acknowledgement and ownership of the things that they do. Or do you feel like a lot of people deny like, oh, that's not me, I don't do those things. Oh man, there are something called narcissistic trait. Right. Birthday. Right, right, right. Yeah. And when you're dealing with an individual with those traces, it's of course it's everybody else that everyone else dead giveaway for me that you're struggling with this area. But a lot of people I would say can except their staff when it is brought to them in a, from a place of love and, you know, and it's in a safe place versus being really like feeling like they're being attacked. Yeah. So, so, but if we're against the were, uh, how do you acknowledge, or how do you realize that this coming from love? Like is that where you come in?
Is that why? Yeah. Okay. Because I think people get so clouded in their emotions and now you're slightly away from the truth. Like let's filter through the emotions. Um, the, the emotions are supposed to be an indicator, right? They're not supposed to drive the car, this ship. Right, right. Um, so I believe once we can feel filtered through where to put your emotion, it's not the leader had ever gone to a place with someone that you want expecting them to say that like, Oh yes, a man, he, yes. He, he revealed, um, infidelity or you weren't even going on that route. Oh, oh, thank you. That I, that I, that I maybe I was even just a part of this space for you guys. I maybe it served immune. It served its purpose because yeah, it would, it be honest and it's true. And that was beautiful and he felt safe enough to do that with me there.
So, so they'd go back into what you said about like filtering through the emotion. Like how do you do that? Because I'm a, an emotional person. Some, especially when it's certain topics. Um, so like I have a hard time trying to filter through those emotions at times. So how would you recommend or suggest like filtering through your emotions? So for me, I love, I like to anchor things in love and truth, right? So if I'm operating from a person's faith or their, their belief system is the absolute easiest. If that's a question, then I like to go from a place of love and fear. Um, my, my partner, she constantly reminds me of that. Things come from two places. It's either love or it's fear. And that has been really, really helpful in helping other people identify where's this stuff coming from? And when you say partner, you me, your business partner.
Yes, my business partner. Yes she's awesome. And so she with that people can, it makes more sense to people, especially if they are questioning that. Like I like I said, their faith or their belief system because what even peoples don't have core values so it's nothing to anchor them. So the love and the love and fear really is helpful because if you, I mean if we're all just sitting here and you think about the last time you went to a really challenging place or you were feeling some really uncomfortable emotions and you responded, where did you respond from? If you responded from love, you know what that looks like, then that person is going to receive their symptoms or did you respond from fear and fear shows itself in multiple ways. Oftentimes for black people as anger. I'm not even going to say black people. People in general. Yeah, probably just people. People in general. But I know a lot of black people and I'm blessed with you. Associated. Yeah, in general and especially thinking about family stuff. I mean I grew up in a household, everything was anger, right? But it wasn't really anger. It was fear or it was you know, insecurity or oh insecurities. I said big one. Yeah. So why do you think someone should go see a therapist? Cause I know a lot of people are just like, oh, why would I go see a therapist? I'm fine.
Oh I have my friend, I can go talk to my mama according to all these statuses on news. Those are sides. A lot of people. You guys here this what I'm saying? Why do you think people should
go see a therapist? I like the, the objective standpoint. You can go into a therapist office, you don't know this person, right? You have no ties to them. So you have no obligation to say a thing. Because oftentimes we'll go into even a conversation with our friends and we began to think about them [inaudible] right? We think about how are they going to receive what I say or, or if your friend is not healthy, right, then they're not gonna be able to come from an objective place. They're going to give you their biased opinion of something and they love you. Right. People. Right. That's not objective. Right? Then people can only give advice based on where they are from and what their perspective, very environment. Yes. So I mean, they may think genuinely in their heart, this is the best option for you. It's just this where they are.
Right? They met. Some people are just really ignorant to the fact that it's just like, this is the only way I know how to help you. Right? So I believe that a good therapist walks with you on your journey of the like the unfolding. Yeah. Not so much of telling you what you need to do, what you shouldn't have done. Why did you do it? I don't, that's not really healthy as it relates to a therapeutic environment. You can get there from your friends, from your family. Right, right. But, and when you go in to see a therapist, they're just going to help you process through what you have gone through in a nonjudgmental way. Right. Therapist is not connected to you exactly like your friends and your family or so. And I also think that there are things that you experience and you have gone through, and I'm speaking even personally on this one, that you are not ready to tell the people or the people that are connected to you are not ready to handle. Oh yeah. So you have to have people in your life. You have to, you have to build a support system that you need. Yeah. So that may be a therapist who does not know anything about you. You don't have to see her at church. You don't have to see her at the, at the grocery store or any social setting. The family reunion.
Right, right. But they can blow it back in your face whenever they get mad. I can ask you, what do you call them when someone uses something,
gets you in a heated argument. I think
you're telling me I should. That's the only, I hate me. I hate it. It's, it is my good cause that's all she had a moment of, I guess weakness words you being emotional and vulnerable. [inaudible] even more emotional. Hadely cause this is like how, why would you do that to me? Yes. And then
have you, have you guys been in a situation where you have told somebody something and you're like, oh my gosh, they know that about me. Yeah. Right. Is that a little bit weighty in a relationship or like friendship or whatever? It's just like you told them. Yeah. Yes. Or even, I mean even family then know where they go. Tell like they gonna tell my momma they gonna tell my cousin. I mean all of those things come into the equation and it prevents us from being open, open and honest and transparent. So if you need to get you a therapist in order to do that, unload it because you're carrying it around with you. So unloaded.
Yes. Yeah. Let me ask you a question, destiny. Um, how do you think that being aware of your purpose in life affects your emotional state, your mental and emotional state? Oh, this has a good way. Yeah,
that is so good. And I just had a conversation with somebody about this one and they told me they don't think about purpose.
And I was like, Whoa, wait. Why do you not? Wow. [inaudible]
I believe, um, I believe knowing what you're here to do gives a lot of clarity. And we are humans, right? And we want the box. We want the box. Let's just be real about it. Spirit is so out of the box, but we are humans. We are boxy. We want to know, do we go right? Do we go live? Always supposed to be a doctor. We supposed to be a lawyer. Am I supposed to marry this person? Do I need to break it with this person? We'd like to know. So once you have what you're here for, then you're able to say no to things. So I believe once you begin to ask the question around purpose and you begin to listen for your answers, you can, you know which direction that you need to be layered in. Mm.
But do you feel like some people go their whole life not knowing what their purpose is? Okay.
And how you feel like that makes that individual feel? Cause some people drive for that all the time. Like I need to figure out what my purposes in life and if I don't figure out what my purpose is in life and my life is over. And so like literally this, um, this white female, she committed suicide at 30 years old because she was not married, she didn't have children.
Oh, whoa. So it's just like things like that. Like I guess her purpose in life was to get married and have children, but because she didn't have that at her state of 30 years old, sure. She thought that was her way. Right. So like, how do you handle situations like that? I believe that there is a beautiful
there's so much beauty in the unknown. So I, I would just wake up and ask what your day needs to look like and just become, just be led in that. It just began
to listen. But I believe that we do need to be more intentional with our spirits and our souls. And what, what really, really feeds you, what drives you. Um, and some of that in itself is just going to begin to begin to give you direction. How do you feel like, and this question is about anybody, like how do you feel like social media, um, affects mental health? So many patients who, especially young patients, I can imagine like in their twenties, early twenties, late teens, early twenties, who tell me that they struggle. Like it brings them so much pain to scroll through Facebook and Instagram because they see these people living their best life or perceived to be [inaudible] their best life. I always think of, I always tell my clients, my patients, um, that, that little mean or, or posts that I saw on social media somewhere, probably Instagram cause I hate Facebook,
but wow, have y'all seen it where the guy is like in a pile of sand gun on a construction site. Oh, [inaudible] go to [inaudible] on the beat. Yes. You've never seen like literally donkeys on the construction site. [inaudible] your story is wow. Right. And that summed up social media for like really, really people are on social media acting as, and some people are really living their best life, but there are a lot of people who are playing Oh yeah. And Act as if they are, they're out here living their best lives. Perfect. So I mean these couples could be on a vacation trip and I just argue [inaudible] I hate you and I wanted to [inaudible] right quick, right. Kid, base it off. You can, they'll lose so far exceeded what I believe
the people who do that, what
they're not aware of the art to lead, not in that play. How are you that out of living for other people that you do not know that this is a snapshot of a theme. You live by other people and then when you remember that moment it's like, I know personally if I were to have an argument before a picture I saw on vacation, I remember the argument more so than the time somebody, the plays, we can be the nicest villa, right? Hawaii will come up. But I mean it's so hard because here times like
to just, I don't know, like everybody puts herself in that mindset, especially when you're not in a certain place in your life and you see somebody else in that will quote unquote in that a place that they are in their life and you just like, you won't write that you think you want to be in. And that's when you're just like, oh my gosh, like my life is horrible. And you just like, everybody has that moment and it's like, oh my gosh, my life just fucks. I don't know what to do and Duh, Duh, Duh. But like
it's, it's like you have to take yourself off social media, take breaks, take your mental health, right. Literally media and just say, hey, how much work can I get done if I was, oh my gosh, I took like six months off of Instagram and I mean I was the most productive person ever and almost didn't want to get back on there, but I did kind of miss like, you know what I'm saying? People actually [inaudible] you really don't,
I'm sorry. This knee, you really don't realize how much time.
Oh yeah, that's for sure. There's apps now. Yeah. I tried to set one and it didn't last a day. I tried to sit like an hour or something on social media and everything. That was great. Tom Can tell you how much social media, yes.
What? I think we need to use it with intentionality in and take it for what it is. Right. And I believe that we, we make too much of social media. Definitely. Right.
And I think we miss moments too. And I mean this is myself included. It's like instead of enjoying this wedding or this concert or this special event with someone that you're interested in romantically friendship wise, whatever, we're too busy. I'll snapchat or trying to take a picture and capture it instead of like really live
the mental and the mental health, the world. That's called mindfulness being present in the here and nails. Yeah, and that's, that's a lot of what we're missing is just like, and I love that you mentioned that spunky, because we don't just to take time to enjoy what we're doing at this moment because we have to have cell phone in one hand I pad and another in another hand. We have to have a conversation going over here and you're listening to another conversation over here to see what we can pick up on instead of just enjoying the people that are around us, the good vibes that are around us and enjoying what is going on around us.
Do you believe that this, the culture is, it's an, it has some
intentionality behind that because if you're moving so fast, how are you sitting with yourself? How are you meditating? Oh my God. How are you being in touch with yourself? When are you praying? Reading? How are you feeding your soul, your spirit? No, don't do any of that really
fast. Talk fast. I know I'll do what everybody else is doing that do they run through so busy that way? You want it to focus on yourself. That's the most serious thing, you know, destiny.
What you mentioned, um, goes back to what BB was talking about that you know a lot. I hear a lot of patients also say, you know, if I only had this amount of money or if I only had this, or if I only had time, or if I only had all of these different things, but the truth is, and this is what I, I busted them in. They're behind. If you don't get ready to do for you, no matter how much money you have, no matter how many cars you have, no matter how many trips you take, you still won't be fulfilled and happy. Oh yes, you still will. You will still
lag because you haven't dealt with you. You haven't dealt with the issues, the, the root, right? You're insecure [inaudible] why you said at this point, you know why? And then trying to incorporate that with someone else who also has an issue if they haven't spent time with those. So just imagine immersion, those two people. Yes. And it's going to magnify and money is going to magnify the issue. They always want to make it so much better. No, it's gonna why you think so many celebrities don't like themselves, right? Right. Or doing ungodly things. So what I'm saying is whether that's drugs or how, yeah. Around other capacities. I mean, yes, they're the perfect example that money doesn't bring happiness and peace. Yeah. To have that way before you get there. But I don't think they have time to, because a lot of them are childhood stars are just thrown into it and they're just like, hey, here's this money right now.
I love what Jadah is doing. Top tables. This, I love it. You guys heard about how willow like was speaking out against all of that. Like even her mental health wasn't saying, Oh, you know what? The pressures that were placed on her while just being their child, their child's, yeah. You know, them having a, an a desire for her to be wealthy or rich and walk into this path. Yes. See, she didn't want any of it. Oh yeah. Because she did it with will forget. That's why she cut her hair. All right. Yes. I don't, no. The, so how about us, you know, as we are, what are we doing with our children? What have we placed on them?
Are you operating from a place of wholeness as you're parenting them? Are you placing all of your stuff on to them saying, well, if I could have done this so I can do it, I'm gonna do it for you. Yes. And then make you feel bad if you don't want to go that route. But they, their moon, they sacrifice all these things to get you there. Right. It's like I didn't ask for any of that. Thank you. Now you're on. Great. You're ungrateful. Exactly. Oh Man, I'm grateful. Oh my gosh. Yes. You just summed all the up just to everybody. I have, I have
one last question. Um, so as we prepare to close and wrap up this amazing mental health session, I want us to, or you to give us insight into what you deem as good mental health and, um, for our listeners, like what should we be aiming for? What should they be aiming for? Especially when, as we talked about, spunky mentioned the social media and how the pressures of social media affect us in just the, the day to day, um, experiences and childhood trauma and things that we have not uncovered or even addressed. So what is good mental health and what should we be aiming for? What does that look like? So when I think about good mental health, I think about peace [inaudible] I think about peace. And I also think about the ripples that you put out into the world. So
if you are in a cycle of unhealthy habits or relationships or, or even just behaviors that are interfering with your daily function in some way, that is where there's a red flag. We need to address it. We need to get, we need to, um, get some help in that area. When I think about good mental health, I think about people who are, um, in a peaceful state, like I said, are intentional with their ripples. They have uncovered and unpacked some of those traumas and childhood experiences. People who are open and honest and genuine there and all of it goes back to the, to the state of the heart. Your heart is in a good posture, so you're able to freely receive and you're able to freely give. Wow. That's what I think about when I think about good mental health. Some of the daily, some of the daily practices involve setting good boundaries, good self care.
People who communicate well you can, you can tell that they have invested in themselves, they have taken time to get to know themselves, what can they tolerate, what can they can tolerate, um, without it being harsh or abrasive. So that's how I can, that's what I do for myself. And then as, as I'm working with clients, that's kind of how I help them assist as well. So what's some good activities, um, that could, you know, make you have a good mental health? Definitely mind body, Spirit. There is a connection there that we need to talk more about. We need to be more intentional with. So what are you putting into your mind? What are you putting into your brain? What are you putting into your body as it relates to what you eat? Um, what are your sleep habits? How are you exercising? All those things are gonna play into mental health. What are you reading? What are you listening to? What are you watching on TV? All of those things are things that we need to be mindful of. If you're putting a lot of junk into your mind, into your brain and to your spirit, it, it's there. Yes. My Day is always in garbage. In, garbage out. Yes.
He say that your dad is, he's [inaudible]. So with that, do you feel like at different stages in your life, like maybe with, I guess we could quantify it with age or the, does that look different as far as like those steps in those process or you feel like doing it? Third, we should be processed difference compared to the twenties or forties or
so. What I have seen in my life is that an an an in the life of my clients is that you care about things differently at different stages of life. Makes Sense. So with development, like for example, when you're a teenager, what's most important is your friends and how you relate to your friends and how your friends receive you. That's, that's very important. By the time of your thirties you are really what I have
seen your focus more on the bigger picture. So people are more apt to do the work. I see. It's a really, really beautiful place because your twenties I think you still are struggling with some of those insecurities. Where do I fit the belonging? But when area you're 30 then it's like, okay, I'm comfortable with me, so let me just be the best me I can. Right, right, right. So I think, I think it is different values on things as you when you're in different development. That's developmental stages. Yeah. That's really good.
NBBU asked about activities at one thing that I, I tell everyone all of my patients to do or to just try is journaling. Yes ma'am. I have you say, I have journal literally since I was in middle schools. Wow. Yes. I last started going in with sixth grade, I think sixth grade. And so Joe, you were like, dear diary. I mean,
looks like all the jewelry. I like, you know, I'll the balloon, but I literally
have stacks and stacks and stacks. Since middle school I have every single journal I've ever written in. Okay.
Oh my gosh, I love it. Let me, and let me tell you, oh, you
are. I love journaling so much is because for me, you know, I, I have siblings, but my siblings are so much older than me. Like my sister is 13 years older than me. So pretty much all of my siblings are 13 years and older, uh, 13 years, um, or more older than me. And so I really didn't have anybody to just really, you know, renting and um, you know, when you journal, nobody talks to you, nobody talks back, you don't get unwanted advice or bad advice. It's just like a relief, like a wait. I was doing, I was doing breathing exercises with my patients today and it's just like when you inhale, you inhale all the drama, all the pain, all the frustration, and you exhale and you literally feel the weight lifting. Yeah, leaving your body, you feel the weight leaving your body in.
That's just how I feel when it comes to journaling. It's like, man, it's so heavy when you have these thoughts that consume you day in and day out or even just for a couple of hours or minutes is enough. Enough is enough. And when you just leave that on paper, oh, black and white. Wow. It's there and it's just as if you told your best friend is that in prayer is what I rely on. And also another benefit of journaling is that the struggles that you have, I guarantee you if it was dated six for 2018 six for 2019 you're going to look back and think to yourself, why was I tripping with this? It was upset and you're going to realize that man, I'm a believer. God all day. Yeah. Like God did that for me. I was stressed. And didn't know what I was gonna do, didn't know how I was going to get done, but it worked out and it's reminder for me and I tell my patients, it's a reminder to you. It's called evidence. Yeah. You don't work with nothing but evidence. [inaudible]
evidence. And the evidence is that if you can look back, even if you don't journal, if you can look back over your life and say, hey, at this point the situation may not be the exact same, but it was very similar and if I deemed it difficult at that point and I got over, what makes you think you're not strong enough to get over it at this point? That's good. That's evidence. That is evidence. That is, and so you're able to, you're able to see your growth because what you were tripping over then you're no longer tripping over now and you're able to confirm that you were taking care of them when you didn't even see a way. And so there's no difference in you being taken care of by able to at least see your way through it because she kind of not necessarily been through the same thing, but just the similar, because at that point a difficult situation is a debatable situation. Deemed a difficult yet in 2016 and I'm still struggling with a
situation that comes up in 2019. It's still difficult at the end of the day. So if I got through a thin, I'm darn sure going to get through it and I can help
see patterns. It can help you see patterns. And one thing that that Joey said is how you, you don't have to hear anybody's feed back. I would challenge that you get to really be in touch with spirit in that moment because that is, that is an opportunity for, um, for, for the spirit to be able to flow through you onto paper. So you're the most vulnerable, the most vulnerable, and you're very open and you're receptive. Um, one thing I want to say is that as it relates to mental health, there is not a in game, right? You are not just like, oh, I'm just so many layers.
Hell yeah. I asked you about that. I made
it. Because at some points in your life you're like, okay, I'm good. But then saying you have those moments where we were talking about early as far as the down and that's yourself. Absolutely. You touched on that and there's a, there's constant work. So even in this season of my life, I had to find a therapist for this season, right? So now the season I'm in, now I'm dealing different things that I was dealing with then. And things manifest at different times. Like we have things that are in our subconscious, right? We're not even aware of them. And so something triggers it and it's just like, Whoa, where do I come out there now? Right? So I'm dealing with a different level of, of things. So I want you to, I want people to just know, you need to be honest in that and be transparent in that and just know that this is a process of perfecting and we're not gonna get it until we are. Yeah.
You snap your fingers in bandages. That's it. Sleep. It's important because life doesn't give you a day off. It does not give you right off. It comes at you before you even know what the marching band can be. Having the best day ever this and even even just the moment you wake up, you go, well we reach for our cell phones. Yup. The first thing for the most part, and you never know what kind of tickets is waiting on you, what kind of emails? You open up an Instagram, right? You see this person who triggers you, whether it's your best friend, your ex best friend and ex boyfriend, girlfriend. Something is going to take six and by storm. Yep.
Feel that and be honest in that. Be Gracious with yourself. Just because you're going through a depressed state doesn't mean you have depression and you need medication. Right. Allow yourself to agree.
Let me also say too, for someone who may be looking at someone else's life who was just like, oh my God, it's wish I was in their shoes. I mean your winning season is coming. You can't be because they're in their winning season. So be happy because when you get a yours, you're going to look, people feel bad. Ain't [inaudible] destiny fair earlier. If they got it, then what makes you [inaudible]? Yours is not on the way.
Going back to what spunky mentioned, and I'm gonna stop talking, I promise I'm going back to west, spunky mention, you know, we look at people and envied their lives. Oh Man. Robin Williams.
Yeah. And how he had everything [inaudible] unhappy hurts so depressed, but
only he knows or those closest to him may know. But at the end of the day, the themes of this world [inaudible] things of this world do, will not, will not feed yourself. Yes, she is. Well not. Yeah, so will not.
And it is. Again, you don't get a day off. So every single day is a fight for your life. Whether you are, whether you have been diagnosed with depression or you just as dif, destiny said, you are just going through a depressed state at this moment, this season in your life, but you don't get a day off. And every single moment is a moment to fight for your life. Right.
I will challenge you to go ahead and prepare for them guys. Prepare for the trial. Oh, prepare for that for the stressful moment, your action plan together because that is what's going to be the realistic and the practical to carry you through. They said they're way you either going through a storm came out of a storm or about to hit into one. So I mean that is why I sure there's a reason for every season. So it gets you up there.
Yeah, that's true for mental health matters.
The Instagram or something that you wanted to. So yes, on Facebook they are loving associates and we do now have Instagram. Okay. That's okay. But definitely Facebook. Love it. Everyone has Facebook. [inaudible] what about your email desk? We have email, we are wellness at love associates. Dot. O R g we will love to connect with you and we will love to just walk with you on your journey and support you however we can.
Oh yes. So we definitely want to give you a, a big thank you for coming onto our show. Really appreciate it. It was great. You're great. You're amazing. Um, we touched on a lot of good topics today. Um, I hope you, um, your soul with spades, just like worse our souls. We're here today. Um, um, I want to shout out our listeners because I was supposed to day lists at the beginning, but I want to shout out our listeners. Um, the biggest, um, following we have a chorus is our followers and our listeners in Birmingham because that's where we [inaudible]. Um, and we, we also have some surprisingly different places. Um, we have, um, shout out to our listeners in Florida, um, New York, Dominican Republic, New Zealand, um, Philadelphia and Georgia. So shout out, shout out to Georgia because that's where I'm from. But yeah, shout out to all you guys for giving us a chance and following our journey and, you know, growing with us, we appreciate it. Really appreciate each and every one of you. So before we wrap up any, any podcast episode, you know, we got to come with that affirmation, that quote, that whatever is, get us already BB. So it's in days. Um, Mimi, Mimi
and I have found to be good for one every time, every time.
And it pertains to the episode topic. Yeah. Um, so this one is quote, healing isn't about changing who you are. It's about changing your relationship to who you are. Oh, wow. A fundamental part of that is honoring how you feel. That's by Suzanne Hine. Love. Awesome. One more time. Run that back. Healing isn't about changing who you are. It's about changing your relationship to who you are. A fundamental part of that is honoring how you feel Suzanne Hine. So being honest with your feelings. Yes. You owe it to yourself. You bet on yourself. You're so good. It is make time for yourself. You are important. So remember that as Oprah says on super soul Sunday, take more time to be more present. Yes. Mindfulness. So thank you guys for tuning in.